In search of Love: Part 2
A while back, I think I had posted a topic in which I discussed my insecurities, my fears of ending up alone. Well, between the time that I posted it and now, there were some events that made me re-evaluate things I had said back then. This post is going to chronicle those events.
Well, after University opened, an old friend of mine invited to his flat-warming party. After much encouragement, I worked up the nerve to introduce myself to a rather good looking blonde girl. After the obligatory introductions, whn the moment came for me to charm her with my wit, intelligence and charisma, I just drew a blank. I just had nothing to say. And then she politely asked me if it was O.K. for her to get more wine form the kitchen, which was a subtle hint of her blowing me off. So for the rest of the party I retreated to my shell, sticking with my friend and not mingling at all.
I mean I felt like this guy
And not this guy
But then a female acquaintance of mine showed up at the party with her female friend. I did not notice her friend that much (let's call her Morgan for brevity). As the party wore on, Janeane (a fake name for my female friend) called me over and wanted to talk to me. She informed me that her female friend liked me very much but was just too shy to talk to me. She wanted me to introduce myself and do so in a way that doesn't freak her out. then went on to do so, only to have my efforts be foiled by an intoxicated man who had no business being among college students, let alone partying with them. I got flustered, but several other girls in the party encouraged me to talk to Morgan.
I did not, thinking that such a move might indicate desperation on my part. In the end, we both were just too shy to talk to each other, contenting ourselves to exchanging passing glances at each other, much to the chagrin of our friends.
But in a way, I am kind of glad it happened. Because the event served as a self-affirmation exercise. I did feel a rush of adrenaline when my friend told me that Morgan likes me. In that moment I felt a torrent of emotions. Disbelief that turned into excitement and exhilaration. I felt myself validated, for the first time I felt attractive.
Because really, I do want sex. Make no mistake about it. But more than that, I want to feel needed, at the same time I want to feel needy as well. I seek the physical pleasures of love as well ans the mental pleasures of it. That feeling of self-worth, and self-esteem that seem so alien to me.
In a way, this also makes me feel more depressed. The realisation that if I had gone out more, had been more socially active or was more self-confident could have been the cure to what I am feeling right now pains me. It was painful for me to learn the knowledge that the characteristics that distinguishes me as a individual is also the source of my torment.
Well, that's enough rambling. If you guys can post about your own romantic experiences you may do so.